Title: Scales
Genre: YA Contemporary Fantasy
Word Count: 80,000
Query
Dear AGENT,
Seven years ago, 8-year-old orphan Eric was the sole year-round occupant of Kingston Preparatory Academy, a school for magic users hidden in rural Illinois. Then Ben arrived, scared and crying about monsters. Within days, he’d latched on to Eric and soon the two were as close as brothers.
As the years passed, while Ben skipped a grade and skyrocketed to the top of their class, Eric barely squeaked by and now focuses on making sure his stash of drugs lasts the whole summer. After all, even his favorite teacher gave up on him developing his weak abilities and it’s common knowledge his future contains menial jobs at best. He might as well have fun on his race to the bottom.
When Eric’s arch-nemesis (and Ben’s crush) warns them about the Curator, a man who traffics magic users, they dismiss it as a childish conspiracy theory. Eric in particular gave up believing in fairy tales, even the nightmarish ones, a long time ago.
But, Ben has a secret, one the very real Curator knows. One that makes him the perfect addition to the Curator’s personal collection. One that orphaned him and, despite Eric’s assurances otherwise, proves monsters exist.
When their school is attacked by the Curator’s Hunters in search of him, Ben and Eric escape and go into hiding where they think they’ll be safe.
They’re wrong and Eric soon discovers Ben isn’t the only one with secrets.
Now, to save Ben from a life of slavery, Eric has to believe in another person he dismissed long ago: himself.
Told from four perspectives, Ben, Eric, the vindicated conspiracy theorist, and the one who betrays them, SCALES is a YA contemporary fantasy novel complete at 80,000 words.
As for me, I hold a Masters in International Politics where I concentrated on violent conflict and international trauma, including human trafficking. In addition to being bright and fun topics, they sparked the idea for this book. And, of course, a magic just makes everything better.
This is on multiple submission. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Best wishes,
…
First 250
Eric took his exam. The words “Magic Theory, Practice, and Society” were centered on the cover.
What a joke.
This test was a joke.
The practical portion would be a joke.
The whole class was a joke.
All the knowledge in the world wouldn’t make him stronger. And it wasn’t like he would be able to get a job in any Luxen field either; he’d be doing construction or flipping burgers alongside Anluxen even if he studied hard and aced the test. He thought he’d done well enough in English, passable in Geometry, miraculously managed a C- in Chemistry, but here in this cruel joke of a class was where his worth was defined.
Worth. The word echoed around his mind, making him laugh to himself.
Behind him, Alex received her test. Her self-satisfied sigh warmed the back of his neck in a humid puff. Without thinking, he turned to glare at her. She was a dusty-looking girl with dusty blue eyes, wrapped in dusty tanned skin, topped with dusty blond hair.
Dusty, dusty, dusty.
And evil.
“Eyes on your own test, Eric,” Ms. Finley said, causing the entire class to look at him. He cursed at her inwardly, but complied.
“Ms. Finley,” Alex stated. Eric rolled his eyes and a wave of sighs and creaks of desks spread around the classroom.
“Here we go,” someone whispered a little too loudly.
“Yes, Alex?” the teacher responded, her face a mask of professional caring.
…
Thank fore reading and any critiques you have! I’d love return the favor to anyone who helps me out—not just the three minimum! Leave a link with your critique!
Thanks!!
A. J. Scott 
Ready to dive right into the world you’ve created! The stakes and the arc are clear in your query and so are the personalities. A personal quest tangled up with a magical adventure – sweet.
My first time – I think we are supposed to take a look at other posts and learn while offering feedback? Here goes –
Right here in the query I get bogged down – I glean that Ben is the one in danger, but it starts to become muddled:
“But, Ben has a secret, one the very real Curator knows. One that makes him the perfect addition to the Curator’s personal collection. One that orphaned him and, despite Eric’s assurances otherwise, proves monsters exist.
When their school is attacked by the Curator’s Hunters in search of him, Ben and Eric escape and go into hiding where they think they’ll be safe.”
Consider (I always try to back up a sentence or paragraph before the ‘problem’) –
“Eric’s arch-nemesis (and Ben’s crush) warns them about the Curator, a man who traffics magic users. They dismiss it as a childish conspiracy theory. Eric in particular gave up believing in fairy tales, even the nightmarish ones, a long time ago. But when their school is attacked by the Curator’s Hunters in search of Ben, he and Eric learn quickly that monsters do exist. And these monsters are after Ben and the secret he holds that make him the perfect addition to the Curator’s horrifying collection.
Ben and Eric flee…”
And then onward from there.
On the first 250 – can’t complain… except – I’d say lose the first sentence. The internal monologue is wicked strong, and the context sentence could fall further down.
Wishing you and Eric and Ben much luck!
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This is really good! Thanks for the suggestion!!
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How do you not have more critiques!? Hahaha. I seriously am in love with this. As someone from the Illinois/Wisconsin border your setting INSTANTLY caught my attention. There are a surprising amount of agents out there looking for midwest settings as well so def play that up.
Query: Your premise is strong and I’m super siked to hear more about it. I critique I have for the query is that it may benefit from a read aloud. There are just instances where things get a bit wordy like saying ‘seven years ago’ and then following it up with ‘eight year old’ as well as ‘As the years passed, while/’ But once you get the clarity stuff taken care of it should read a lot smoother. Your premise is already fantastic and I could see it selling super well in the middle-grade/YA section of a B&N.
I also know that some people may tell you to remove the personal bits about yourself in the query, but if someone does say that I just want to disagree with them in advance. Your background really helps explain why you are the person to tell this story. It is clear that your background is really going to add to your knowledge on the subject and the realistic aspects of your writing. I think it’s a strong way to close and I think an agent will appreciate knowing your credibility come a hot-button topic like modern day slavery.
First 250 Words:
Voice is so important and damn do you got it. I really enjoyed this. There is something kind of graphic novely about it that I am just in love with. Overall I think it is a strong opening and does a great job of normalizing magic. Sometimes with magic systems an opening can get bogged down in exposition, but I think this was a great opening. My only critique would be to maybe peel back on the one liners. Not to remove them from the story as I feel they are fantastic ways getting into your characters’ heads, but the physical one-lineness. I feel like it can really make a page look empty. You may benefit from pushing them up into your paragraphs, but that’s just a thought.
Anyway! 🙂 Thanks so much for your feedback on my work. I really enjoyed getting to read about yours!
-HC
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Thank you!! I’ll take that critique to heart. I’m a sucker for ~*the drama*~ but I can see how it’s best used sparingly, lol!
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Also, I am also from the Illinois/Wisconsin area! We must be neighbors! Northern Midwesterners,unite!
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Greetings! I think your query/pitch reads a bit too much like a synopsis and not enough like marketing copy. The backstory of the two boys is important for the story, but for the query you should start us off with the stakes as quickly as possible. Give one line of backstory max so we know they are friends, but then jump right into their unequal abilities/consequences for one sentence, then get us to that dangerous conspiracy by the third.
One thing I found confusing in that backstory, if Ben is the “sole occupant”, that would mean his is the only person there, ie no teachers even. Assuming there really are teachers and Eric is the second student to enroll, how can he be the “top of his class” if it’s just the two boys? If you cut the bit of backstory this will be solved anyway, but it was confusing.
As for the first 250, I really liked how strong and present the voice of the character is in the narration without resorting to italicized thoughts. Well done! The only thing I would maybe change is moving his grabbing and the title of the exam until after the lines about stuff being a joke. Those lines were so strong, I’d lead with them.
Good work and good luck!
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Thanks! I think summarizing the history in one line is a great idea. Working on the perfect combination now 😀
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First of all, yay fantasy!!! Your query, I get the conflict and I get the stakes which is what a query needs to demonstrate but it definitely needs to be cleaned up. The conflict, or primary external stakes, occurs when the Curator enters and that is where your query should start, or immediately lead into. Cut out the backstory. With only a few words, let us know about the boys: Ben is the academy’s genius while his best friend, Eric, hovers near bottom. Using the information you’ve provided, I’m going to rewrite your query and I hope it helps you see a little about what I’m trying to explain (I’m terrible at criticism, by the way).
Kingston Preparatory Academy, a school for magic users hidden in rural Illinois has its genius and its— well, not geniuses. Eric, orphaned at eight years of age, barely manages to squeak by while his best friend, Ben, skyrockets to the top of his class. When a rumor begins to circulate about the Curator, a man who traffics magic users, they both dismiss him as an urban legend and mistakenly underestimate how much danger they’re in. Especially Ben.
When the Curator’s Hunters attack their school, Ben and Eric manage to escape and go into hiding where they think they’ll be safe. But they’re wrong. (Obviously this means they are found but to flesh out this paragraph a bit, you can go into a little detail about what happens)
Now to save Ben from a life of slavery, Eric has to believe in another person he dismissed long ago: himself. And he might just save the world while he’s at it (speculation, fantasy trope, I know).
Your first 250: I really like what I read but the overall feeling I’m getting is: this seems like a regular school based on his feeling toward English, Chemistry and Geometry. The class he’s currently in, the one about magic– he loathes. Because it represents his worth. Maybe explain a little bit why this class matters so much to him, why it defines him. You don’t have to go into extensive detail here because I’m sure you do later on in the book but maybe give us a taste 🙂 I really like the way you describe Alex, haha. Well done.
Anyway, take my advice with a grain of salt because I’m still navigating my way through the query process as well 🙂 Good luck!
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Thanks! This is a great critique—you’re great at it! Thank you!!
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Something to consider in your query is that we don’t know anything about the subculture that the main character will be in, so for example, I have no reference for what a Curator is. Is it a regular museum position or something specifically to do with magic? Unless it can be explained in a half sentence, maybe consider keeping that out. It can get confusing with someone taking a look at it with first glance.
With your material, strong voice here. Great internal thinking. I would be curious to read more.
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